Final Moments 

All I heard was I’m sorry and it’s ok. I’m sorry meaning I couldn’t beat this cancer to be there for you. Doing all that he could but it just wasn’t enough, he surrendered. Waiving white flags in the sign of rolling eyes not able connect sounds together, he mumbled. Trying to say his last words which would of sounded like Thank you, I love you. I will never put anyone above you even when I rest above you, you were the one, and for that He was grateful. For the ok that understood him. Never stood under him but right beside him. Able to hold him up, without ever slowing him down, or bringing him down, you see she was his crutch. Because when he was no longer able to do it on his own she lifted the weight he couldn’t control. She never wanted to let go and he kept fighting to hold on. She prayed for him to rest and prayed for God to give him what he needs. In this fairy tale there is no coming back no matter how many tears fall at your feet. Gone but we will love you forever until the next time we meet. 
R.I.P. Dad I love you so much more then I could ever show. You have been a strong and amazing father. I am blessed to have had you in my life. 

Dating Challenge!

It seems in today’s day and age we are all looking for love. Whether it be on a dating site, social media or even the not recommended night clubs. Day in and day out I’m sure hundreds of thousands of people swipe left and right, click like on more then 7 pictures to get that persons attention or even a little extra smile as you walk by. All in which there is nothing wrong with all of that, but I do challenge you to change your approach. I do believe these methods I just listed have caused us to have divorce at an all time high.     What are you searching for? The photos that you look at on these sites are as flat as the screens you are viewing them on. In other words they contain no substance. Basically you don’t know anything about this person except what they want you to read about them or what they want you to see which more than often happens to be all their best features and qualities. 

      So what’s the challenge ? I am challenging each and every single person to introduce yourself without the intent of intimacy. Which means BECOME FRIENDS FIRST! I’m not talking about friends with benefits or those “convenient friendships”. I’m talking about that true no ulterior motive type of friendship. The type of friendship where everything is visible but yet still accepted.

     Firstly, I have never heard people say “I’m looking for friends.” That kind of just naturally happens. Typically in an environment where there is common interest. When in friendships there is less pressure to be what the other person wants you to be so it is easy to be yourself or there is just no reason to pretend to be anything other than who you are, where as let’s be honest here, Often times we see someone that we want to get to know better so we sometimes change “our likes and dislikes” according to what they enjoy so that there is a common interest when really it’s not genuine and the only interest that truly remains is how attracted you are to that persons physical attributes. We become what I like to call “representatives”. Basically we are a chameleon like version of ourselves. We look and sound like us but we adapt to our new surroundings aka what they like. That is what we call “The honeymoon phase” the period of time we are at totally bliss in the beginning of the relationship nothing can ever go wrong, as long as we remain to be our representatives we will be just fine. There is nothing wrong with experimenting and trying new things. That is a wonderful thing to do even if you didn’t enjoy the activity it’s the experience that gives you new perspective. What I’m challenging you not to do is not to be the person you think that they want, rather be exactly who you always have been. It’s funny to me how people after months in a relationship start peeling away their shells and start saying “I actually don’t like to do that or that’s not my thing I did it because you liked it” that is the prime example of not being true to the other people or to yourself. We thrive better when we are with people we are compatible with. Not who we try to fit squares into circles.

The Truth is, I am Tired

Truth is, Im tired. Not that kind of tired that just came from the Gym, but more so i am tired of just plain living. I know to many people they hear that and will say wow thats deep, or he must be suicidal. I don’t have any thoughts of killing myself, i just think about how easy life would be if i didn’t exist. Losing my father has really left me feeling empty. I am constantly reminded of that pain and everytime i see my mother who no longer has that joy in her eyes no matter how much she tries to smile. I go to sleep dreading the day to come and I wake up hoping that day is over. my heart races thinking about how horrible things are and how they seem to be getting worse. so can you blame me for feeling this way?I am very familiar with the quote “there is always someone who has it worse” does that mean I shouldn’t feel bad about my situations? well the truth is i hate what i been through no matter how many lessons they may have taught me. i hate that i wake up in fear of losing everyone i love. so sometimes i push away any potential type of love thinking i can’t get hurt if it doesn’t exist,but the loneliness of not having someone there with me only isolates myself more. So now I’m left with a few choices. Do i give up? Do I continue my blatant sin affair with satan? or do I turn to the only person who can restore me? 
I am empty. Jesus says you are my vessel and i will fill you with my love.

I am lonely. he said no matter where i was he would be right beside me.

I am tired. Jesus said walk with me, I will show you a real rest. 
I can sit here and complain all i want if i choose to for God has given us free will. I can wake up and go to bed feeling the pain that the enemy finds joy in at my expense or I can choose to put my faith in the lord, trust in his word, and never fear again because he promised me so. no matter how much i feel like i have lost at life he has already proven that by Loving him and living in his way there is nothing that can defeat me. I will find strength in the lord, to wake up each day as if its brand new mission and this mission is to speak life into myself and onto others. I will go to bed thirsty for your love yet satisfied. 
Life can and is very difficult in times, but we need to remain faithfully, we need to remember that as long as we are breathing we have a purpose. we might not understand it, but one day we will. Gods love never fails.

The Storm

They say when God has something big for you he usually makes you hit rock bottom or go through a heavy struggle. Well lord I am ready for what’s coming. I can easily say I am tired of this struggle but I know I’m right in the middle of it. This is the moment where I think I can’t take it anymore or go any further and start questioning what’s real(istic) or not, but I will not give up hope, I will not lose faith. I will not be mad about the difficult times in my life and hardships I face day in and day out. What I will do is say thank you Jesus for the trials and tribulations you put into my life because they are making me wiser and stronger. thank you for reminding me how good I have it through pain and suffering. I will wipe these tears to the side put on a smile because I know that this is you working up a plan for me. Preparing me for what’s to come next. Father you break us down so that we can rise again stronger. You build us up so when life tries to knock us down we are an un movable being, reinforced with faith and covered with the Love of our Lord and savior. Stand tall keep your head up life is meant to try and knock you down. Lift up your hearts to the Lord and he will lift you higher then anything else can.

Truth is, I’m tired…

Truth is, I’m tired. Not that kind of tired that just came from the Gym, but more so, I am tired of just plain living. I know too many people they hear that and will say wow that deep, or he must be suicidal. I don’t have any thoughts of killing myself, I just think about how easy life would be if I didn’t exist. Losing my father a couple months ago has really left me feeling empty. I am constantly reminded of that pain and every time I see my mother who no longer has that joy in her eyes no matter how much she tries to smile. I go to sleep dreading the day to come and I wake up hoping that day is over. my heart races thinking about how horrible things are and how they seem to be getting worse. so can you blame me for feeling this way?
I am very familiar with the quote “there is always someone who has it worse” does that mean I shouldn’t feel bad about my situations? well, the truth is I hate what I been through no matter how many lessons they may have taught me. I hate that I wake up in fear of losing everyone I love. so sometimes I push away any potential type of love thinking I can’t get hurt if it doesn’t exist,but the loneliness of not having someone there with me only isolates myself more. So now I’m left with a few choices. Do I give up? Do I continue my blatant sin affair with satan? or do I turn to the only person who can restore me?

I am empty. Jesus says you are my vessel and I will fill you with my love.
I am lonely. he said no matter where I was he would be right beside me.
I am tired. Jesus said to “walk with me, I will show you a real rest.”

I can sit here and complain all I want if I choose to for God has given us free will. I can wake up and go to bed feeling the pain that the enemy finds joy in at my expense or I can choose to put my faith in the lord, trust in his word, and never fear again because he promised me so. no matter how much I feel like I have lost at life, he has already proven that by Loving him and living in his way there is nothing that can defeat me. I will find strength in the lord, to wake up each day as if its brand new mission and this mission is to speak life into myself and onto others. I will go to bed thirsty for your love yet satisfied.

Life can and is very difficult at times, but we need to remain faithfully, we need to remember that as long as we are breathing we have a purpose. we might not understand it, but one day we will. God’s love never fails.

Just When I Thought I knew What Love Was…

Growing up I thought to fall in love was easy; find a person you think is attractive, take them out to eat, get to know them, and then BAM, you’re in love. The relationships that I had, I thought love consisted of being able to get along and tolerate each other. As long as you respect each other and you can have good times, that’s what love has to be right? Love has to be finding your partner sexy and wanting to show them off to your family and friends. Yeah, that’s exactly what love is….right?

Well, that’s what I thought until I witnessed the ultimate display of love over the course of 18 plus months, and it has been in front of my face my entire life. I guess I was just in too much of a hurry to be in love myself that I didn’t take the time out to see what love actually looks like.

May 14, 2013, my father was diagnosed with Stage 3 liver and pancreatic cancer. At the moment, not knowing what that means I asked myself that very question…”what does that mean to us, our family?”

Thinking that we were untouchable and stuff like “cancer” only happens to people around us, family and friends alike, but no, not my father. Who would haveguessed that the man who married a woman who dealt with a lifetime of pain and sorrow herself, due to this haunting terrorist that seemed to follow everyone she loved everywhere she went. When my mother was the 11 years old, her mother passed from cancer, and throughout the next 25 years lost five brothers and sisters from the very same disease. A few months prior to the discovery of my father’s illness she lost her nephew to Lynch Syndrome, which is also a type of cancer. So nowhere on that side of the family tree did we slightly even think my father was even a possible candidate to this disgusting illness. That kind of heartache can very well kill the spirit of a person, but instead of giving up and surrendering to the storm that was to come, they embraced it. They embraced it even with knowing that there will be extremely gut-wrenching difficult times, where questioning God’s compassion may be in order. They came together stronger than I have ever seen before; I already knew they had an unbreakable bond, that now has turned into unconquerable love. Each day that went by I witnessed more kisses and “I love you”s than I heard in 90’s R&B. Then the chemo started to kick in and weakness began. Passing out, collapsing, and being unable to be comfortable enough to walk without someone there left hurt smiles in the only eyes she has ever loved, but cried in the only arms she felt safe in. Waking up every morning seeing more and more hair on the pillow and less and less of his strength, she stood strong enough for the both of them. When he battled depression she did things that only she could do to make him smile. Although she hid her pain well she knew that this was taking a toll on her heart, so with tears being held back and his voice cracking from the knots in his throat,he would still find ways to crack a joke even if it was for a second of distraction. They both didn’t know much about this cancer, But based off what the doctors have told them, they knew to do everything they ever wanted to do, because there wouldn’t be much more time to do so. With that said, every moment between them consisted of a hug that lasted a little longer and just a little tighter each time. Kisses that pushed in tighter and grabbed closer with every attempt, and “you are my everything’s” that were heard clearly, but were repeated just so they can get their point across. Love isn’t about tolerance. It’s about knowing that life with you is so much better than life without you. In fact, a life without you just isn’t a life at all.

My advice to everyone who is in a rush to find that perfect job and be with the perfect person. Take a second, take a step back before life passes you by, because time moves faster than you think. Before you know it, years have passed and you overlooked not the perfect person that never existed, but the perfect person for you. The person who would do anything to be your rock when you need. The person who looks at you with the most loving eyes as if you can do no wrong. The person who knowsthat you too are far from perfect, but a life with you is a life of perfect imperfections.