Truth is, I’m tired. Not that kind of tired that just came from the Gym, but more so, I am tired of just plain living. I know too many people they hear that and will say wow that deep, or he must be suicidal. I don’t have any thoughts of killing myself, I just think about how easy life would be if I didn’t exist. Losing my father a couple months ago has really left me feeling empty. I am constantly reminded of that pain and every time I see my mother who no longer has that joy in her eyes no matter how much she tries to smile. I go to sleep dreading the day to come and I wake up hoping that day is over. my heart races thinking about how horrible things are and how they seem to be getting worse. so can you blame me for feeling this way?
I am very familiar with the quote “there is always someone who has it worse” does that mean I shouldn’t feel bad about my situations? well, the truth is I hate what I been through no matter how many lessons they may have taught me. I hate that I wake up in fear of losing everyone I love. so sometimes I push away any potential type of love thinking I can’t get hurt if it doesn’t exist,but the loneliness of not having someone there with me only isolates myself more. So now I’m left with a few choices. Do I give up? Do I continue my blatant sin affair with satan? or do I turn to the only person who can restore me?
I am empty. Jesus says you are my vessel and I will fill you with my love.
I am lonely. he said no matter where I was he would be right beside me.
I am tired. Jesus said to “walk with me, I will show you a real rest.”
I can sit here and complain all I want if I choose to for God has given us free will. I can wake up and go to bed feeling the pain that the enemy finds joy in at my expense or I can choose to put my faith in the lord, trust in his word, and never fear again because he promised me so. no matter how much I feel like I have lost at life, he has already proven that by Loving him and living in his way there is nothing that can defeat me. I will find strength in the lord, to wake up each day as if its brand new mission and this mission is to speak life into myself and onto others. I will go to bed thirsty for your love yet satisfied.
Life can and is very difficult at times, but we need to remain faithfully, we need to remember that as long as we are breathing we have a purpose. we might not understand it, but one day we will. God’s love never fails.